My postpartum anxiety was no joke

When we had our first daughter, I struggled with the normal sleep deprivation and crazy hormones the first couple of weeks. I literally cried every single day for two weeks when my husband would leave the room. I was scared of being alone with the baby. What do I even do with this tiny thing? What if she cries and I can’t make her stop? I was terrified. That subsided once my husband headed back to work and, while the sleep deprivation went on for longer than that, I felt like my hormones and crazy mood swings were pretty much leveled off after that.

My experience with our second daughter Piper has been completely different. I had postpartum anxiety like no other. Not to be confused with postpartum depression–I wasn’t sad. I was anxious, I was angry as hell, and I was ready to go on a rampage at any moment. Jeremy can tell you about the times he probably thought my head was going to explode.

He won’t, though. If he knows what’s good for him. (I kid, I kid…#ordoI?)

The first four to six weeks of maternity leave after Piper arrived felt a little like torture to me. She was SO GASSY (Amelia never really was) and would scream every time I nursed her. Which in turn led to me being annoyed with breastfeeding. We tried the gas drops, we tried the gripe water, we tried the probiotics, I cut out dairy. Nothing worked. Finally, her gas troubles seemed to just subside on their own and today they’re almost non-existent.

But on top of this, all I could see every day was how messy our house was. How dusty it was. How much crap we had. I felt like the house was closing in on me and I was angry every day. Thoughts I had included throwing EVERYTHING in the trash and starting from scratch. Or just selling the house so that when we move I can throw stuff out that we don’t need. These are the last things I should have been worrying about when I had a newborn to take care of, but I couldn’t help it.

I’d lie awake at night thinking about finances with two daycare payments coming up soon. I’d also wonder what we would do if a sinkhole opened in our house and we had to figure out how to save the girls. How far could I throw the baby up to Jeremy if I was in said sinkhole? Would he be able to catch her?

Seriously.

This is the stuff that was racing through my mind while I should have been sleeping. While the baby was sleeping. (Did I mention that this baby sleeps 8-10 hours a night, usually?!) Yes, the baby was sleeping. But, I was not.

I was a mess. I was mad at Jeremy for not cleaning the house every day. I was mad at myself for not being able to clean the house every day. I was mad at everything. I snapped at my mom when she’d come over to help. Everything everyone said annoyed me. I didn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere. I wanted to be in one room in the house where I felt like I had a little control.

After the first couple of months, these feelings slowly calmed down. I still worry about things all of the time, but I think that’s just part of being a parent. That part will never change. But the uncontrollable feeling of being anxious ALL THE TIME has gone away and I am feeling more like myself again. (Which, I’m sure Jeremy would say is still kiiiinda intense. In his head, though. Not out loud.)

I’ve read lots of blogs about this and I was happy to see that I wasn’t the only one who felt like this. It’s something that people are finally starting to talk about more. And that’s good. Because suffering in silence just makes it worse.

Here’s to all the new moms out there who feel like everything is crashing down around you. There is light at the end of the tunnel. If I found it, so can you.

I didn’t want to vaccinate my baby

I knew that would get everybody’s attention! Calm down…it’s not what you think. And no, I do not want to start a debate because I know that people have differences of opinion when it comes to vaccinations. So please, no arguing or fighting! 

I just mean that I hate the fact that Amelia received two shots yesterday – because seeing her in pain crushed my heart. Don’t get me wrong… she was totally a rockstar. Yesterday when we went for her two-month checkup she received two shots. Each time, she cried really loud when the doctor gave them to her, but right when I picked her up to soothe her she quieted down and was fine for the rest of the day. She did not get a low-grade fever and wasn’t even more fussy than usual.

I am so glad that the appointment is over, though, because I was dreading it for about a week before we had to go. You know those kids that you hear screaming and crying because they don’t want to get a shot? Well, that was me growing up. The doctor would literally have to bring nurses in to hold me down so that they could prick my finger to get blood out or give me a shot. Okay, they kind of still do. Yes, my baby was more brave than I am. 😉 

When Amelia was born, we let the doctors give her the vitamin K shot for the blood clotting. But, we opted not to have the eye ointment and to hold off on the hepatitis shot. She got the hepatitis shot yesterday along with the other shot that contains a few vaccines. We just didn’t want them to poke her with a bunch of needles right when she came into the world. I am very happy with our decision to hold off on the hepatitis shot until this last appointment. 

On another note, I dressed Amelia in this pretty brown onesie yesterday. The onesie has pink trim around the neck and also a pink flower underneath the chin area. I had her in baby jeggings and some cute boots. My bad. I’m not helping her case for looking like a girl. While the pink trim and the flower were there, her cute chubby face pretty much hid the girly part of the shirt and she looked like a tiny version of her dad. LOL. I looked for a headband, but I didn’t have any that weren’t super elasticy (yep, made up a word) and wouldn’t leave marks on her head. Ah well, she’ll forgive me. She looked like one cute boy.

Maybe she won’t forgive me… She looks pretty upset in that second picture. And her soft spot makes her head look creepy. LOL. Oh, babies.

And here is our sweet Amelia Mae at home resting after her doctors appointment. And then getting to see her auntie Tanya last night.

Check another blog off the list

Wow. I can’t believe it has been a week since I’ve posted anything on my blog! The days have seriously been flying by – filled with feedings, naps and tummy time. Oh, and everything else that needs to be done in life.

I’ve always been a fan of checklists, but having a newborn has made me love them even more.

Some days Amelia wants to eat more often than others…and it’s on those days that I can hardly remember if I ate breakfast or if I even brushed my teeth (as Jeremy pointed out in his blog last week). So, what’s a girl to do to make sure that she gets everything done and doesn’t let things slip between the cracks? My answer is a simple two words: Check. List. Yes, checklist is one word – but it doesn’t have the same effect that way so I split it into two. Throw me a bone.

I use checklists at work, but I hadn’t used them too often at home. Well, the past few weeks I’ve been using one religiously and it has completely helped me stay on track. Even breaking down something as simple as “cleaning the living room” into smaller parts and putting each one on a checklist has made things so much easier.

First, I dusted everything, including the ceiling fan, then swept up the dirt that the dogs brought in, then vacuumed to get any residual dirt and to make sure the baseboards and couch were dirt and dust-free. I washed the comforter that we use for dog protection on the couch and the towel that we use on the recliner and, finally, I cleaned the tile by hand with a vinegar and water solution. It felt so good to check each thing off my list and made it seem like it wasn’t such a big project. Sure, cleaning the living room never used to be a big project, but having to get it done while the baby is asleep or sitting happily in her bouncy chair makes it a lot more difficult!

And, side note: dogs sure do drag in a lot of dirt.

In addition to checklists, I purchased an awesome stick-on white board that we have in our room that is a calendar for the week. Every week, I write down appointments or other things that I know for sure are happening so that we can glance at it each morning and know what’s going on. I love it!

What do you do to stay sane and make sure that you pay the bills on time or make it to your appointments?

It’s okay…

The first few weeks after Amelia Mae was born, I was so stressed out because my house was in disarray and I didn’t feel organized like I usually am. Well, looking back now I wish I would’ve just told myself, “It’s okay.”

There are so many more things to focus on during this time than worrying about everything being perfect. So, to any new moms or moms-to be out there, please take these words to heart:

The laundry is piling up.
The toilets need to be cleaned.
Dust bunnies are starting to hang out under the couch.
The dishwasher needs to be loaded with the dirty dishes from the past week.
You haven’t brushed your teeth yet today and it’s already noon.
What’s a hairbrush?
Your makeup hasn’t seen the light of day in the past three weeks.
If you change out of pajamas it’s nothing short of a miracle.
The baby clothes you spent so long organizing in the drawers and closet are completely out of order.
The dogs smell.
You smell.

These are all things that you may feel during the first weeks–and probably even the first months–of having a new baby.

It’s okay. It’s all okay.

It’s been seven weeks since Amelia was born, and I’m learning to let go of a lot of this stuff. We have gotten into more of a routine, so that definitely makes it easier. But, I’m not stressing over the things that I’m not able to do because I’m so focused on the amazing things that I am able to do. Like, nurture and nourish a beautiful baby girl!

She had her first tear today! 😦

A message for my daughter

Dear Amelia Mae,

You’re here now. You have this whole wide world to explore. As I look at you taking your nap I can’t help but tear up at the innocence and beauty that I see in front of me. I wish the innocence would last forever and that you never had to experience anything other than wonderment and amazement. I want you to know that there is so much good in this world. But, sometimes things are going to happen that won’t make you happy and will make you sad – – and sometimes downright angry. While this world is beautiful and has so much to offer, sometimes it isn’t fair.

I know there will come a time when you won’t want advice from your mother and your father. I am scared that time will come so soon that I won’t believe it’s here. But, for now, I’d like to share some thoughts with you in hopes that it’ll help save you a little trouble or heartache along the way.

Please learn from my experiences, mistakes and successes.

Always remember how important family is. Be sure to spend time with them and don’t take them for granted. As much as you want to ditch the family event and hang out with your friends…don’t. You may not regret it that day, but you’ll probably regret it later. (Of course, there are going to be some exceptions to this, but for the most part…family events precede all other things.) Sometimes your family will annoy the crap out of you, but they will always be there for you when you need them.

Mommy and daddy will not always agree with one another. And, while we will try our best not to argue in front of you, you may hear us disagree now and again. We will always agree on one thing, though: we want what’s best for you and we make all decisions based on that. Also, keep in mind that mommy is probably going to be right about 90% of the time. Okay, maybe 95%. 😉

Make good friends. Now, even when you have good friends, you will fight with them. Heck, you guys might even talk about each other behind your backs. But, learn to forgive and to really forget. If someone only wants to be friends with you when it’s convenient for them…they aren’t your real friend. Learn to tell the real friends from the fake ones. If you need help figuring that out, just ask me and we can make a girls night out of it. Real friends are as valuable as family. I hope you find some great “ride or die” girlfriends like I have. (Please wear your seatbelt when you ride…and I’m not too fond of the “die” part of that expression, so maybe I just should’ve just said some great girlfriends.)

Don’t be afraid to stand your ground. If someone is asking you to do something wrong, don’t be scared to say no. There’s nothing wrong with being an honest and ethical person, but sometimes people will try to make you feel otherwise. Don’t fall for it.

You’ll see things on the news, like people hurting other people because of what color they are wearing in a certain neighborhood or because they went somewhere that they weren’t “supposed to be.” You will hear about terrible things happening to people all over the world. It will make you want to cry and sometimes you actually will. I wish I could say that it was going to get better, but this is something I have no control over. My hope for you is that you grow up being a kind and generous person who tries to help make the world a better place – – as cheesy as it sounds – – even just a little bit. I know you will. You’ve already done this for me and your dad.

When you turn 40 and finally start dating, please put yourself first. Don’t let someone talk you into anything. Don’t buy into sweet nothings. Trust your judgment and your gut – – it’s usually right. And, always remember that you can talk to me about anything. You may not like what I have to say, but what I will tell you is the truth and is only meant to help you make the right decisions in life.

Please, please, please learn how to spell and punctuate correctly. No explanation needed.

Whether it’s at school or whenever you get your first job and all throughout your life, work hard. Never settle for doing a mediocre job. Strive to stand out in a good way and shine by showing that you are an intelligent, dependable and incredible person. There is nothing wrong with starting at the bottom and working your way up. Don’t expect to get exactly what you want right away. Allow your hard work to speak for itself and good things will happen for you.

Don’t grow up too fast. I can still remember wishing I was 21 because I thought it would be the coolest thing ever. Nine years later, I can’t believe how quickly the time went by – – and a little piece of me would love to be back in high school where all I had to worry about was doing my homework and turning in reports on time. There’s nowhere else I would rather be today, but what I wouldn’t give to relive those fun years of my life. Enjoy every minute and don’t sweat the small stuff. I know it’s easier said than done, but really, really try.

Be the nice girl – – not the mean girl. Befriend those who are lonely. Smile at people just because. Don’t make fun of people. Don’t join in with the bullies. When you grow up, you will realize that it doesn’t matter what clothes people wear or what they have. What matters is what kind of person they are. Don’t become someone who judges others based on the way they look. That is a really crappy way to live life and you can really hurt others if you do.

As I sat here writing this, I heard you laugh out loud for the very first time. You were asleep, but you had the sweetest smile on your face and you made the quietest giggle ever. Thank you for that.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but just knowing it’s out there and waiting for you makes me feel a little better. If you’re as good of an Internet stalker – – I mean, researcher – – as your mom, then maybe one day you will find this.

Love,
Your mommy

My C-section and the dreaded daycare search

The nurses at the hospital were impressed with how quickly I was able to move around so well after my C-section. And, I’ll admit, the pain wasn’t too bad after the surgery, even when the drugs wore off. At first, I didn’t take the pain medication that they were offering me, but then I did it as a precaution to make sure that I didn’t end up in a lot of pain that would take a while to subdue with medication. Take the medicine a little at a time to avoid a ton of pain and having to take a bunch of medicine. It worked out well and after the hospital I picked up a pain prescription and maybe used one or two in the next month that I was home.

With a C-section, though, I think a lot of people feel better than what is actually going on on the inside. I was pretty much acting normal. Going up and down the stairs, being on my feet for quite some time and other things that I really thought I wouldn’t be doing after having a C-section. (Not THAT you perverts!)

However, I think I overdid it a bit. Two weeks ago my husband and I met for dinner and I brought the baby. However I took her carrier from upstairs to downstairs and put it in the car – with her in it. At the time it felt sort of heavy and I kind of had to twist weird to get it in the car, but I didn’t think much of it. However, a couple days later, I started feeling sore. It progressively got worse and last week from Wednesday until about Saturday I was so sore that I didn’t even want to get out of bed. It felt like my entire ab area and lower stomach had been worked out in a way they never had before. Like I did 5 million situps and I was feeling the pain. Of course, I got paranoid, thinking I ripped open one of my organs inside. But, because I didn’t have a fever or anything I knew I didn’t have infection.

Now, I know that giving birth the regular way is no walk in the park. And, people have complications with that, too. But, I do have to say that having a newborn with C-section restrictions has made the new mom thing even more difficult for me. I mean, how can they expect you not to lift anything heavier than your baby for weeks, and maybe even months, depending on how you heal? There’s so much to do!

I feel much better today. The soreness has subsided a little and just one side is tender to the touch. It’s an improvement. I did take about three pain pills in the last few days, though!

Now, let’s talk about another pain. My heart already hurts thinking about leaving Amelia Mae at daycare when I go back to work. I’m so sad about it and the time isn’t even here yet. We’ll probably do a home daycare and I just officially started searching for real.

First of all, it’s so expensive. Second of all… you’re trusting the life of your tiny little baby in someone else’s hands. I don’t even know if I can trust someone that I don’t know that much. I’m going to have to do it – but I’m not gonna like it one bit.

Side note: I started writing this blog on Monday. However, while I was writing it, I started to get chills. I then progressively got a temperature that reached 102.8°. I threw up three times as well. LOL. It wasn’t anything to do with my C-section, but just a little ironic that it happened while I was writing about recovering from a C-section. After 2 ibuprofen my temperature decreased and was normal as of yesterday morning.

We don’t cosleep with the baby, but Monday night I kept her in bed with me so that I wouldn’t have to get up to breastfeed her. She slept the ENTIRE NIGHT. That definitely makes it hard not to want to cosleep. 😉

Some exciting news this week, though – Amelia successfully turned her head from one side to the other while on the floor during tummy time. Don’t get me wrong, she can move her head back-and-forth like crazy, but for some reason, she didn’t like doing it when she was on the floor. So, it looks like this week was a good one and it’s not even over yet!

My sweet, 6-week old baby:

Irrationally rational-ish

I am in a few groups on Facebook that have to do with being a mom or breastfeeding. This morning, in the mommy group, one mom posted that one of her biggest fears came to life.

She fell down the stairs holding her 10-week old baby. Because her motherly instincts kicked in, she protected her baby with all she had and, luckily, the baby is completely fine. However, she did break her ankle and is now stuck at home, unable to move around, and her fiancé is at work all day. She was asking for advice/words of encouragement because she was worried about being able to take care of the baby all day when she can hardly get up to go to the bathroom.

After I posted a response that I was glad they were okay and provided a suggestion, I sat here thinking. I, too, have that exact fear. Sometimes I’ll be in bed and I just imagine myself falling down the stairs with the baby and it scares the shit crap out of me. It’s not even something I want to think about, it just randomly pops into my head.

I also have this fear that if I walk too close to the railing when I’m upstairs, somehow Amelia Mae is going to leap out of my arms and over the railing and fall to the first floor. It seriously gives me anxiety attacks. What. The. Hell?

Just to clarify, I’m not some dark person that has grim thoughts all the time. I am very much a happy-most-of-the-time, positive thinking human. Sure, you will find me watching tons of crime shows throughout the day, but that’s because I like seeing the police catch the bad guys.

I don’t know what it is about this tiny creature that brings out the scariest thoughts. Irrational thoughts. Okay, so the stairs thing is actually very possible – I’ve fallen on them a couple times already since we’ve moved in (before the baby). And yes, I was sober. 😉

Maybe it’s because I want so badly for nothing bad to happen to her that I make up any scenario so that I can plan ahead. Sure, that’s probably what it is. But, it is creepy.

Anyway, this little princess just decided that while she was sitting on my lap she wanted to have an explosion in her diaper. So, mommy duty calls. Literally.

Just some pictures from yesterday – her 5-week birthday. She is getting so big and definitely filling out. I love it!

I’m not the only one, am I?

I’m not sure if it’s just me or if all new parents are like this, but for some reason I am so anxious about taking Amelia in public.

Jeremy and I have taken her with us to a couple of restaurants for breakfast and lunch, but, each time before we went I felt super nervous. I’m not quite sure why. I guess I just don’t want to be that person with a screaming baby that everyone is staring at. Even when I went to get my hair done and took her with me to the salon, my cousin Tanya came to sit with her and I was anxious the entire time, praying that she would just stay asleep and not wake up and bother anybody.

Maybe I’m just afraid that I won’t be able to get her to calm down and I will have a meltdown in public. Also, I’ve never breast fed in public and that is something else that I’m a little nervous about. I’ve tried using the cover at home for practice and it isn’t the easiest thing in the world.

Why do I even care?

I personally don’t get annoyed if babies make some noise in a restaurant or somewhere else. I mean, there’s a difference between that and parents who allow their kids to run around screaming bloody murder in a public place without taking other people into consideration. I have definitely experienced that and it isn’t cool. But, a newborn doesn’t know what they’re doing and I think people are pretty understanding about it. Or, are they? I don’t know. This is my first newborn.

It is getting a little better. Yesterday I went to brunch with my sister and my cousin and I wasn’t as worried about it. Amelia even woke up at the end of breakfast and fussed a little and we just held her in the restaurant and she calmed down.

I know that with time it’ll get better and I won’t give it a second thought. But, I wonder if other people feel the same as I do when they become parents for the first time.

I can’t be the only one.

Really, though, who could get annoyed with this face?

I need a visit from Mary Poppins

This is the second week that Amelia and I are home alone while daddy is at work. We do have a little bit of a routine going on and it’s definitely a lot less overwhelming than it was in the beginning. But, our house is in disarray and I’m going to lose my mind.

I hosted my sister-in-law’s baby shower this past Saturday, so our kitchen and the downstairs is actually very clean because we had to move a lot of stuff to make it look presentable and make room for the guests. However, that stuff is now in our guest room and we really need to find permanent places to put them. In addition to that, I really, really want to clean our bathrooms, do all of the laundry and clean the floors.

It. Is. Killing. Me.

But, when Amelia sleeps, I have to make sure that I eat something, spend a little time with the dogs and try to lay down and take a nap. I haven’t been successful at napping because even when she’s asleep, for some reason my mind does not want to turn off. So, I end up laying on our bed watching TV and wishing I was asleep. Maybe it’s because I feel like our house is a disaster.

We did manage to empty all of the trash cans and throw random things away that were laying around this weekend. At least that’s something.

So, where is Mary Poppins when you need her? I wouldn’t mind listening to her sing “A Spoonful of Sugar” for about five hours while she stood around snapping and pointing at things, having them fall into place. I would welcome it.

I know at some point I’ll find the time to clean–so for now I’ll just be happy that I wash the baby laundry every other day or so. If Amelia is clean and well fed, we are doing our job as parents. The rest will all come together soon enough.

Right? 🙂

A photo from the baby shower–it turned out great! My friend Angela provided the desserts (via her company three50bakes–find her on Instagram), we got the sandwich, veggie and fruit platters from Costco and then I did some small crafty things like the cupcake toppers and napkins in the shape of bow ties. It was a lot of fun putting things together when I could while Amelia was napping and everyone had a great time. Plus, the baby slept the entire time!

Definitely a score.

I’ve never been so in love (sorry, Jeremy)

Yes, I’ve written about being super tired and that I’ve had a tough time some days. But, what I haven’t written about is how completely filled with joy my heart is every time I look at our perfect little baby in my arms. I never knew that I could know someone for less than a month and love her more than anything in life.

It’s a feeling that I can’t even explain.

Sometimes when I look into Amelia’s eyes, I feel my eyes welling up with tears because my heart is about to burst at the seams from the mix of emotions. This beautiful girl depends on me and her dad for everything. It’s our job to keep her safe and warm and well-fed (okay, that part is exclusively mommy right now) and–even though it’s the biggest responsibility you can have–it’s one that we have happily accepted.

We are tired.
Our lives have changed completely.
Sometimes it’s frustrating.
We’re figuring things out one day at a time.

BUT

She is the love of our lives.
We are blessed.
We’ve been given the greatest gift.
We wouldn’t trade this for the world.

Our bundle of joy and her, “Yep, I just pooped and you’re going to clean it up” face: